Monday, February 9, 2009

barry’s bud seeks unattached ham man.

and now we bring you the another installment of "barry's buds" – a guest column of barry’s many comrades who share a love of all things food-related. in anticipation of valentine’s day one of barry’s buds discusses her search for love that’s spanned continents, years, and many a kinder egg.
it’s been four long years of searching. i’m seeking a man, age 4, with a black moustache and a penchant for ham legs (both for eating and clubbing people with). he might be violent, but he is one of the three musketeers after all. no, i’m not crazy, i’m just trying to hunt down the most elusive of kinder egg toys: i call him ham man.

my search began in late january 2005, in a quaint italian town in southern tuscany. i wanted to see if there was a difference between chocolate in europe and chocolate in canada, and on my student abroad budget, a kinder egg was the perfect (read: cheapest) way to test this. as soon as i opened my kinder egg toy however, the chocolate became inconsequential. i ended up with a toy musketeer on wheels wielding a sword – a great find to be sure, but it was the musketeer collection insert that really caught my eye; it was the first time i saw *him*, or at least an artistic rendering of him.

there he was; a feather in his cap, and a large hunk of ham in his hand with a bite taken out of it. it was true love at first sight. when you roll him on his little wheels he clubs people with his giant ham leg. dreamy. while i ended up with one of his fellow musketeers, it was him i really wanted. i’ve bought many a kinder egg over the years in hopes of finding him (i usually discard the chocolate – though a few times its indeed up in a banana loaf or bread pudding). alas and alack! no luck yet, but my search continues. in fact, i’m so enamored with ham man that I’ve dreamed up my ideal proposal scenario. future suitors take note:

scene: anywhere. it could be timbuktu for all i care.

me: oh, a kinder egg how nice.

handsome suitor: i’ve been wanting to give you this kinder egg for a while now…

me: oh. it isn’t….is it…?

(unwrapping the egg and breaking the chocolate and opening up the orange plastic capsule)

me: OH MY GOD IT’S HAM MAN! …oh, what’s this? oh, a ring. thanks. HAM MAN!!!!!! you really love me!!

…though i realize the following is the more likely scenario:

me: …is it ham man? …is it ham man?!

hapless suitor (grinning): just open it.

(unwrapping the egg and breaking the chocolate and opening up the orange plastic capsule)

me: oh. it’s a ring. um…nice. thanks.

hapless suitor: well, do you have anything you want to say?

me: yeah, where’s ham man?

hapless suitor: this is my grandmother’s ring, it’s been passed down for generations in my family…

me: yeah, yeah, yeah. grandmother. heirloom. got it.

hapless suitor: i was hoping you’d accept this ring…


me: ummm, so, seriously. there’s no ham man?


  1. Dear Barry's Bud,

    I know who Ham Man is and where he lives. His name is Musketier Herfried and he lives in Germany. Unfortunately, he isn't unattached as he has on ongoing dalliance with Zofe Constanze, a blonde floozy/muskateer groupie. You can find out more about him here:

    Funny aside, I picture Edward Cullen as your hapless suitor. "The hunt is his obsession. He's never gonna stop!"

    Hehehehehehehhe :)

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